IF THERE IS ONE THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT CELIBACY IN THE LAST 5 MONTHS, IT'S THIS: IT IS A LONELY, YET RESTFUL PATH. I'VE NEVER GOTTEN SO MUCH FUCKING SLEEP IN MY LIFE.
SO FAR MY "DATING WHILE CELIBATE" EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN INTERESTING. I ENTERTAINED THE BONE-LESS OPTION AND TALKED ABOUT IT OPENLY, BUT I WASN'T REALLY COMMITTED TO IT. I WENT ON ABOUT MY SINGLE AND ALWAYS READY TO MINGLE LIFE WITHOUT TRULY CONSIDERING WHAT I WAS TAKING ON. I DIDN'T ASK MYSELF THE RIGHT QUESTIONS - WHAT WAS I LOOKING TO GAIN FROM CELIBACY? DID I WANT A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP NOW OR ANYTIME SOON FOR THAT MATTER? THINKING TOO HARD AS USUAL, BUT I WENT ABOUT MY SO-CALLED NORMAL, SINGLE LIFE. ONE MONTH INTO CELIBACY I HAD 7 GUYS IN ROTATION & THEY WERE ALL LAYING THEIR TRAPS. THE TERRITORY WAS SO FAMILIAR TO ME; THIS HAS MORE OR LESS BEEN MY EXCHANGE WITH MEN SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER. I NEVER FELT AS PRETTY OR SEXY OR MAGNETIC AS THE OTHER GIRLS I KNEW, SO WHOEVER SHOWED ME ANY ATTENTION AT ALL WAS USUALLY WHO I GAVE INTO. AS I GOT OLDER & MORE SECURE WITH MYSELF THAT SHIFTED, BUT THAT LITTLE WARP IN MY BRAIN STILL WENT FOR THE OBVIOUS CHOICES. THE PATHS OF LEAST RESISTANCE GOT ALL THE PERKS, WHILE THE ONES WHO WERE REALLY WORTHY OF THE CHASE GOT NO FIGHT AT ALL. THEY WEREN'T "COOL" ENOUGH. THEY DIDN'T JOCK ME HARD ENOUGH. THEY WERE ROOTED IN THEIR PURPOSE & MATURE & NORMAL, & I SAW THAT AS BORING. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT THOSE WOULD BE THE ONES I'D BE KICKING MYSELF IN THE ASS IN MY 30S FOR IGNORING IN MY 20S. I DIGRESS. 4 MONTHS AGO I HAD 7 SUITORS SETTING TRAPS. THEY WERE ALL SO DIVERSE, YET THEY HAD A VARIETY OF THE TRAITS I SAID I'M LOOKING FOR IN A LONGTERM PARTNER. THESE TRAPS WERE SOPHISTICATED & THOUGHTFUL. THIS TIME THINGS MOVED A LITTLER SLOWER THAN I WAS USED TO, & AS A NEWLY CELIBATE, SINGLE WOMAN THAT WAS COMFORTING. I FELL INTO THIS SAFE CELIBATE SPACE...NAIVELY THINKING IT WOULDN'T BE AS DIFFICULT AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, BELIEVING THAT I WOULDN'T BE SINGLE LONG ENOUGH TO NOT ENJOY CELIBACY. I WAS CONVINCED THAT ONE OF THESE GUYS JUST HAD TO BE THE ONE, BECAUSE I WAS FINALLY DATING WITH PURPOSE; I HAD HARD LINES, STANDARDS! I WORE CELIBACY LIKE A BADGE OF HONOR; IT BECAME THE TOP LINE ON MY DATING RESUME. "I'M A GOOD CATCH! NO ONE ELSE HAS HAD ME ALL MONTH, I'M SO CLEAR HEADED AND READY TO LOVE YOU!" TYPE VIBES. HOW QUICKLY MY EGO CAME CRASHING DOWN. EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THAT FIRST MONTH I WOKE UP READY TO ABANDON CELIBACY & GET BACK TO MY HOT, FUN NORMAL LIFE. NOT TO SAY THAT SEX IS WHAT MADE MY LIFE EXCITING. HONESTLY, I DIDN'T MISS THE ACTUAL SEX OR INTIMACY, BUT I WAS AFRAID THE CREATIVE PART OF MY BEING WOULD BE A LITTLE LOST WITHOUT THE SEXUAL INSPIRATION. PERHAPS THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE PROBLEM… I'VE HIDDEN BEHIND MY CHARACTER FOR SO LONG & I'VE USED IT AS AN EXCUSE FOR WHY I LOVE THE WAY THAT I DO. I JUSTIFIED THE PURPOSEFUL MYSTERY. THE EMOTIONAL DISSENT. I POLARIZED MYSELF TO MY OWN SELF, CREATING SO FREELY AT MY LOVERS' EXPENSE. THE SEX WAS AS CONFUSING AS IT WAS EXCITING; THERE WAS ALWAYS SOME ANGLE, SOME DESIRE TO CRACK ME OPEN. THE SEX WAS A TRAP TO SOFTEN MY GUARD; THE PILLOW TALK HELD MY TRUEST CONFESSIONS. THEN THE NEXT DAY THERE WAS SOME EXPLOSIVE AFTERMATH, SOME MISUNDERSTANDING OF WHO I WAS & WHAT I WAS FEELING BECAUSE OF SOME ELUSIVE BLOG POST OR HEART SHATTERING QUOTE ON MY TWITTER FEED. THE ONE THING I CHOSE TO HIDE BEHIND…MY HEART SHIELD…MY EGO…IT TURNED ON ME EVERY TIME. I TURNED ON MY OWN SELF. WHY THE DUALITY? WHY SO MUCH ARMOR? WAS I REALLY AFRAID OF LOSING MY CREATIVE SELF? HAD IT REALLY TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO UNDERSTAND THE FINE LINE BETWEEN OPENNESS & TRANSPARENCY? THIS IS MY BRAIN OFF SEX. I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT I'VE ALWAYS CHOSEN TRANSPARENCY BECAUSE IT IS A RELATIVE TRUTH. IT ALLOWS ME TO HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT WITH MY LOVERS, SHARING THE VERSION OF MYSELF THAT WILL PROTECT MY HEART SHIELD & MY OWN INTERESTS. SEX WAS MY ONLY TRUE EXCHANGE OF OPENNESS. I WAS COMPLETELY NAKED, & THERE WAS NOTHING TO HIDE BEHIND. I WAS COMPLETELY FREE - MY TRUE, LOVING, HONEST, EMOTIONAL, SOFT SELF. SEX WAS A MOMENT OF ULTIMATE TRUTH, MY WAY OF REASSURING HIM THAT I DID IN FACT TRUST HIM. WITH MY BODY. BUT WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE? WHY WAS THERE NO TRUST, PERIOD? WHY DID I GUARD MY HEART, YET FREELY GIVE MY BODY? WHY WAS MY VAGINA THIS SEPARATE ENTITY? MY VAG BECAME SOME SORT OF TROPHY, A CREAMY REWARD FOR SOME PERSISTENT, THIRSTY JUNK YARD DOG WHO WORKED JUST HARD ENOUGH TO GET A BONE. WHY WERE ALL OF MY PARTS SO DISCONNECTED? 5 MONTHS IN & I AM MOVING INTO A NEW PHASE. WAITING FOR THE RIGHT PARTNER TO BE OPEN WITH HAS GOTTEN EASIER. NOT TO SAY I DON'T THINK ABOUT BONING EVERY HOT GUY I MEET…MY MIND IS STILL IMAGINATIVE AND CREATIVE, THANKFULLY…BUT THAT OTHER LITTLE WARP IN MY BRAIN IS STILL A BIT SELF-CONSCIOUS & UNSURE. WITH EACH OF THE 7 SUITORS I'VE DATED WHILE BEING CELIBATE THERE HAS BEEN NO FURTHER CONTACT PAST DATE 3. HOW MANY DINNER DATES CAN A MAN TAKE YOU ON BEFORE HE ASKS FOR DESSERT? & WHY WOULD HE CONTINUE TO BE INTERESTED IN A SEXLESS FAWN WHEN THERE ARE SO MANY BEAUTIFUL & FREAKY DEER TO RAVAGE IN THIS FOREST? MY MIND BECOMES A SNOWBALL OF HYPOTHETICAL HEAD SCRATCHERS. HOW WILL A MAN FIT INTO MY LIFE NOW? WILL HE ACCEPT MY "NORMAL"? & WHAT NEW NORMALS AM I WILLING TO EMBRACE WITHIN MY VERSION OF A TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIP? WHAT WOULD MY VERSION OF A "PERFECT RELATIONSHIP" LOOK LIKE FROM DAY TO DAY? SHOULD I EVEN BE WASTING TIME DATING AT ALL RIGHT NOW? TRUST. IT'S SUCH A HEAVY NOTION. JUST TRUST. THERE'S NO "HOW TO…" GUIDE. THERE'S NO CHECKLIST. IT'S JUST SIMPLY SO. "I CAN ONLY TRUST YOU AS MUCH AS I TRUST MYSELF"….AM I STRONG ENOUGH TO WAIT & KNOW WHOLE HEARTEDLY THAT I AM WORTHY OF MY RIGHT TYPE OF LOVE? DO I TRUST MYSELF ENOUGH TO TRUST SOMEONE ELSE RIGHT NOW? THIS IS MY PATIENT, WELL RESTED BRAIN ON TRUST. 5 MONTHS IN & I'M JUST STARTING TO FORMULATE ANSWERS TO MY HARD QUESTIONS. I'M FINALLY HAVING AN HONEST DIALOGUE WITH MY HEART. JUST WHEN I START TO BECOME SELF-CONSCIOUS…JUST WHEN I WANT TO GIVE IN…JUST WHEN I THINK MY HARD LINES ARE UNREALISTIC…JUST WHEN I START TO SIDE EYE THE MEAGAN GOOD'S & CIARA'S OF THE WORLD, I JUST AS QUICKLY SNAP MYSELF BACK TO MY REALITY. I JUST TRUST THAT THAT SOMEONE IS SOMEWHERE WAITING FOR ME. I JUST TRUST THAT I CAN HAVE WHATEVER I TRULY DESIRE. I AM STARTING TO BELIEVE WITHOUT KNOWING HOW. FOR AN "IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS" KINDA GAL THIS REVELATION IS PRETTY HUGE! AND HONESTLY, THE HEART CLARITY IS A BIT MORE EUPHORIC AND ORGASMIC THAN ACTUAL SE.... OKAY, LET ME NOT GO THAT FAR. BUDDHISTS SAY IF YOU MEET SOMEONE & YOUR HEART POUNDS, YOUR HANDS SHAKE, & YOUR KNEES GO WEAK THAT PERSON ISN'T THE ONE; WHEN YOU MEET YOUR SOUL MATE YOU'LL FEEL CALM, NO ANXIETY OR AGITATION. NO QUESTIONS WILL NEED TO BE ASKED; THIS PERSON WILL SIMPLY BE THE ANSWER. THERE WILL BE NO CONFUSION, IT WILL JUST SIMPLY BE SO. THAT'S WHAT I WANT…A LOVE SO TRUE IT'S CALMING. A PARTNER THAT I CAN SYNC WITH EFFORTLESSLY. A LOVE I AM WILLING TO WORK AT EVERY SINGLE DAY. A LOVE I CAN BE MY FREE, TRUE, LOVING, HONEST, EMOTIONAL, SOFT, NAKED SELF WITH. COMPLETELY OPEN. HERE'S A NEW DECLARATION: I AM SINGLE & NOT SO READY TO MINGLE. & THAT'S OKAY! I'VE COME TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS JOURNEY I'M ON IS VERY SPECIFIC TO MY LIFE'S EXPERIENCE, & I CAN'T EXPECT EVERY MAN I AM INTERESTED IN TO MEET ME WHERE I AM ON MY PATH. I WILL KNOW WHEN I KNOW, & IT WILL BE EVERYTHING WE'VE BOTH IMAGINED... FOR NOW, I'LL JUST TRUST…& ENJOY THE EXTRA BEAUTY REST.
