Finding Breath

What brought me to my yoga mat back in 1999 wasn't the allure of a trend. It wasn't the desire to do dope-looking poses for pictures (social media didn't exist back then!) It wasn't the hope for a yogini's body. It wasn't even the want for more flexibility. It was quite literally the need for breath. After calling 911 on myself because I thought I was dying and then finding out that it was actually a severe anxiety attack, I thought I would just be able to move on about my senior year in college and be just fine. Only, the debilitating anxiety attacks persisted and I ultimately needed medication. Per the suggestion of my doctor, I also decided to try yoga for breath control [and just some flat out zen in my life, because clearly]. I stepped onto my mat in a Bikram class. Having already been a fitness professional for a few years and an athlete prior to that, I was not completely out of my element, but I wasn't comfortable either. The heat, the lack of music, the focus inward, and the intentionality with the breath were all very challenging -- the latter, especially. I was fearful of my breath by this point. After many weeks of dreading when I would go into yet another breathless attack and avoiding anything that might even resemble that feeling, to put myself in a situation where all my attention was on my breath was really intimidating. But, I was willing to try anything. Slowly I became more comfortable in my own body. More importantly, slowly I became more comfortable in my mind. I learned to trust myself, my body, and especially my will to surmount obstacles — the heat, the poses, the distractions, the fears. So I went on to live a life full of yoga bliss and the end? Ha. Not so much. About three years later I was in a yoga class and someone passed out right at my feet. Let me clarify: passed out and seized. At my feet. All of that "yoga is amazing for my anxiety" sort of went out the door. I freaked out and I stopped going. Fast forward a few years and I found myself with returning anxiety and a host of other accompanying health issues. And I also found myself at the beginning of a PhD program [read: slightly stressful scenario]. I needed yoga like nobody's business and I finally got myself back on my mat. I tried a heated vinyasa class to change it up and it rocked my world. It was everything I loved before only there was music and more play and new poses and inversions and arm balances and oh my! I loved it. My body that was taking a beating from all my other training loved it. My anxious mind especially loved it. After finishing grad school, my gift to myself was to finally do a teacher training program. Having already practiced off and on for about 12 years at that point and having taught fitness for about 15, I wanted to take everything I knew with everything I would learn and remix the hell out of it. I wanted the roots of yoga and its movement with some sick beats; I wanted strength with flow; I wanted static with plyometric; I wanted everything I would want in a yoga class in my yoga class. So, that's what I made. Muscle & Flow is all of that. It's yoga, remixed. Not because I think there is anything wrong with traditional yoga, in fact quite the opposite. Not because I think my way is the right way or the better way, it is just "a" way. I wanted to create something that might be appealing to people who are, for whatever reason, intimidated by their perceptions of yoga. To some, adding a hip hop soundtrack to yoga is just asking for your hand to be slapped. Maybe it is and maybe I don't care. Because, here's what I know: yoga is at its core, about the breath. It's about going inward, about finding your peace and letting go of distractions. Not all distractions are bad. If the "distractions" are good [eg: hip hop music] does that not also train you for positive distractions in life? I'm just sayin. Slap my hand. And if that "distraction" also gives your soul some beat is that really a bad thing? Meh, I think not. But I get it. It's not for everyone and that's ok. Whether you want to take my class, a class like mine or a class completely opposite of mine, I am in favor. I think whatever gets you on your mat is perfect. Whatever gets you to balance out your hard physical training with some lengthening and self-care is perfect. Whatever gets you to block out distractions and focus on what's going on inside is perfect. Find your way to a mat. Find your breath. Find some length. Find yourself there and you may just find yourself there.   Writer: Shauna Harrison  Illustrations: Julie Hyld