In high school, my favorite English teacher gave me a copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet". It sat on my night table for many years. I would pick it up from time to time, but it wasn't until what seemed like a lifetime later that his words, "For self is a sea boundless and measureless", made sense. My own journey of self-love, fulfillment, and striving to be the best version of me, has become a daily mission. I've always been hard on myself. As my own harshest critic, I never felt like anything I did was good enough, so I pushed myself. Looking back, that pressure didn't help me grow, but caused me to unconsciously drift further and further from my true self. I was just trying to please the people around me. Through their validation, I somehow hoped to find validation in myself. I was the person I thought people expected me to be. My pursuit of supposed "perfection" led me down some dark roads. My desire to be thinner introduced me to anorexia. My nurturing nature caused me to lose myself in needy relationships. My own insecurities encouraged me to live within the confines of my comfort zone and to settle. I was living the life that I thought had been written for me. I seemed happy and I thought that I was. I deeply believe in fate and destiny, however. Sometimes they play a heavy hand in life before guiding you to where the universe needs and wants you to be. Conditions in my work environment changed for the worse. I made the heartbreaking decision of walking away from a career that I absolutely adored, but needed to leave because I respected myself too much. I ended a long-term relationship, finally admitting to myself that we were not meant to be together, and that I had become isolated and detached from reality. These two events took place within months of one another, and I suddenly found myself in the unknown. Leaving my old life behind was not easy, nor was it an overnight transition. But instead of finding a new home in darkness, I chose to open myself up to new opportunities. I felt as if I had nothing to lose. I was forced to face the fact that many of my earlier decisions had led me to an unhappy place and it was time to leave the past behind. It felt like I had been stripped of almost everything familiar. There were many uncomfortable, quiet moments now, leaving me with much undesired time to reflect. I went back to Gibran's book, this time gaining a deeper understanding of his words, "verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral." All signs were telling me that this was a chance for me to reset and find my passions. I began this process by seeking a positive, supportive community rather than isolate myself. I enjoyed my newfound free time by going for long runs, daydreaming, and reading. Even though my heart was still mending, I allowed myself to be open to finding true love.
Then, very slowly, love found me. A friendship blossomed into romance without me even realizing it. My best friend, who was always there for me, who listened, who lent me a shoulder to cry on when I needed it, who lifted me up when I would sink to a pitiable place, who made me laugh when no one else could, who spontaneously made me drop everything for a dance break at the most inopportune times, who taught me all about PMA, who I could always be myself with, turned out to be my soulmate. Had I not hit rock bottom and found the strength to reassess and redirect my life, I may have let him slip away. It was my time to detox. I ditched the shallowness. No more makeup. No more stilettos. No more trendy clothes. No more cigarettes. No more negative dialogue in my head. More running. More reading. More sports bras. More Vans and Altras. More green juice. More self-acceptance. My new normal is the closest to my authentic self as I've ever been. I've tapped into a natural, vulnerable state and it feels liberating. Gibran once said, "You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give". I'm sharing my experiences in the hope that I might reach someone looking for some encouragement in pursuing a new and unfamiliar path. As a champion list maker, it would only make sense for me to attempt to describe some of the steps I've taken to get me to where I am today, in a somewhat organized manner.
- - I am okay with my quirks and my addictive personality. Being eccentric should be celebrated.
- - I love my body and am in awe of its ability to heal itself. My body and I have had a turbulent relationship over the years, but we have finally made peace. I've come to realize that beauty and strength come in all shapes and sizes.
- - I have committed to a plant-based lifestyle. I feed my body with nourishing foods that help make me glow from the inside out.
- - I have vowed to make a conscious effort to nurture my mind, body and soul in everything that I do. Running has always been there for me, and continues to be. Yoga has since found a special place in my heart and has helped me slow down and lessen my anxiety.
- - I have embraced feeling comfortable being uncomfortable. I have found courage and tried new things that my old self would have thought too scary to even attempt. Facing fears has been instrumental in my personal growth.
- - I am pursuing my passions and allowing myself to be a dreamer. I am unlocking my creativity, and exploring different forms of art. I express myself on the streets by running and on pages through words. I find myself back in the role of a student, as I am currently enrolled in an online plant-based cooking course. Food has the power to heal, and I want to learn.
- - I have taken back the control. I have come to realize that my story is not meant to be read, but rather waiting to be written. I have finally picked up my pen.
I am doing my best to live in the moment, to let go of regrets, to chase my dreams, to find what feels right, to trust and see what happens. I've come a long way in my journey. I look at each day as an opportunity to continue learning, loving, growing, and undoing my ordinary. At times it feels like a struggle, and other times things just seem to fall into place. For the first time in my life, I feel like the possibilities are endless..."for self is a sea boundless and measureless."
